Stealing Kitty

Safe Hope's Answer by Courtney

It’s been a while since we have chosen to post here… maybe it is long overdue. We began this to truly document our relationship in the moment. Well once the moment has passed… we’re generally over it and have moved on too quickly to backtrack for a retelling. So our separate blogs on 360 still have a life of their own, but here on Stealing Kitty…. Some definite slacking had been actively engaged. It is unfortunate that it took this to bring us back. For anyone who is not caught up… Rachel and I have finally experienced our first real fight. We made the decision together to come back to these pages and blog it. The written word has been integral in our relationship and is one of many ‘creative tools’ in developing as a couple. It’s out there already… Rachel posted in advance of me. Following in suit with Stealing Kitty’s beginnings… here’s my response to Safe Hope. (Perhaps a bit of globbing, but hey, this is the first time that things have gotten a little sensitive.)

“At the end of the day we are both individually responsible for our own safety”

In the end… this was the prevailing decision cast in stone. The stone of my heart is of softer stuff, perhaps. Maybe the necessity to fire up the hearth is at hand. Distant memories are vaguely recalled of self-reliance and rigid independence… boundaries fabricated to create the steel of indifference… fables of strength with the dull pain of solitary confinement I, in truth, bound myself in. The master of I… protector of self…tower of infallibility… What a lonely place that was. “At the end of the day” when ‘we’ becomes ‘I,’ risking vulnerability is removed from the equation. Claims of personal ownership of ‘self’ responsibility mask the inner cores of truth with a classic, well-aged dusting of the surface. Every disappearing act needs a foggy smoke screen. This one is foolproof with razor sharp edges proven to buck resistance with simplicity and guarantees a challenge to any who may pursue. There is no room for denial of truth. The reoccurring fact has always remained that the decisions made in any given situation reflect on safety of self.

I am readily willing to claim and maintain accountability for legions of individualized decisions. Alas, life’s course had never landed me a novice playing field as an opted difficulty level. In regards to relationships, it cannot be denied that I am indeed guilty of placing my safety in the line of fire with warning signs blaring from all directions. Abuse of colorful shades never knew timidity in my presence. One need not bother with attempts to convince me of any validity …the words alone hold a blanket of undeniable truth. What remains, however, is not an agreement to kow down. Survival of the fittest prevails whether conscious or not.

Truth in its entirety is a raw phenomenon with multiple layers up for review. When “At the end of the day we are both individually responsible for our own safety’ becomes a shield of self-preservation, it begins to tarnish under the unexpected ware. The safety of ‘self’ was never in question… it is the security of ‘we’ that falls under scrutiny. The appropriate surmise would be that “At the end of the day we are jointly responsible for the safety of our relationship.” Running is not an option when the fragility in question is that of a precious bond. My past proves me to be a risk taker. Some situations call for calculated thought. This time… a little of both need thrown in the pot.

“The first ‘real’ argument…

We both fell prey to spins of insecurity and the blood rushing in quickening crescendo became deafening. This wasn’t a shared moment in conflict… the conflicts were divided and maintained in moments of self. ‘We’ became the ‘I’ of individuality. The lamb hadn’t the chance to be sacrificed…it was offered up for brutal slaughter when self ran riot and safety, rather than our imagined fears, was slapped onto the butchering block. My gratitude in every spin slowing to a halt makes my cup run over.

Our relationship is still in infancy. Its many levels are still in various stages of cultivation. We are two strong-willed survivors of life making an attempt to join hands and peruse into the future side by side. When the stage tilts off balance and we decide to buck… the reverb is felt around the world, I’m sure. ‘Intense’ falls short of offering an adequate description.

Is it worth it? If I wasn’t convinced before… it is now engrained. The pain evoked by thoughts of losing her far outweighs any propelling forces supporting the run for cover. The only true risk at hand is loss of opportunity … security amounts to little more than dust if it only serves feed the loneliness. The safety I’m seeking is outside of the box. ‘I’ has become ‘we.’ There is no turning back, and I wouldn’t want to. This is a march meant to move forward. It would be foolish to discard the goods based on a blemish in the gift-wrap.

So what… we had our first fight. She turned into a brick wall and I became one with my inner ‘Mr. Hyde.’ All is calm again and we are now armed with what not to do with a security breech at hand. Rachel and I are creative bitches…survivors of life… remember? It isn’t a kink, but merely a twist. After all, the anchor in the sand cannot be wrenched loose. She’s the ‘one.’

Safe Hope by Rachel

There is all this “stuff” that occurs in the beginning in new relationships. I think it is all a part of trying to find your safety with another. Trust is a cornerstone and when you are unable to trust your safety is compromised easily. We all have our rationales on safety. There are absolutes, of course, like dating a serial killer is a bad choice. However, mostly safety is compromised of our imagination based on our experiences in life. One person, who for example, keeps close ties with relationships from their past; may be the loyalist mate you will ever find. However, if all you have experienced is betrayal from individuals like that, you are closed to the possibility of anything other than that person not being trustworthy. The evidence has no bearing in the imagination of personal safety.

We all have our baggage. I have a compartment full. I have gotten better at being open to possibility, but once some trigger is released, all the baggage seems to, at once, go flying in the direction of the security breach, while I make a quick escape. I have always been fascinated by Houdini and have sharpened my escapist skills to a fine point pen. There is no rational thought, other than removing myself immediately from a situation that I perceive as a security risk. I am aware enough to know this behavior is only temporary and once my environment is controlled and safe, I have the moment needed to re-calibrate.

Our first real conflict and discontent happened this weekend. I do not bounce back from conflict as quickly as I have in the past. I am weary. I suppose, of conflicting relationships. Where you are questioned or question or are not trusted or do not trust. What’s the fucking point? I have done difficult, fucked up relationships. I am no longer interested. I see clearly my role in the conflict. My primal behavior overcame me as did hers. I feel like screaming. The conflict occurred days ago and now I want to scream. MOTHERFUCKER! The best option is to work through the conflict like a responsible adult. And the primal scream is already echoing in my head.

It is okay to feel frustrated equally. It is okay that sometimes in the moment you are unable to find common ground. The time has come for us to make some real agreements with each other. We have been so caught up in the magic of this new relationship, that we have barely had time to catch our breathe. I feel from the first moment, this relationship has been moving at a rapid speed. You only have enough stamina to run some race for so long and this bitch needs a minute, because I skipped basic training. Finding a balance is tricky with a woman and when you put two completely differently dominant woman together, the line blurs the balance and the anonymity seems reserved for the other than. At the end of the day we are both individually responsible for our own safety. However, in the moment, the safety imagination dance blinds us to any real possibility only some surreal reality.

Draft the contract, let’s sign on the dotted line and have it witnessed in triplicate. The need for perfection is ever pervasive in so many aspects of my life. Relationships are not immune; they usually become the sacrificial lamb. They are all in beautifully decorated gift boxes on the psychic shelf in my mind. I seem to always forget to save enough pretty wrapping for myself. I just use pieces from the intricately wrapped packages. Fooling myself that others are blind to the obvious of my deed.

Where does this all lead? A life continuing to be lived together in the miles that keeps us apart. The bond still exists, stronger than it was. What I am choosing to take from this conflict is that I love Courtney and want nothing more than to spend my life with her. Madly, deeply at its core. Safe hope found.

Counting The Ways by Rachel

Our relationship has experienced some turbulence recently. Fear plays a huge role in our insecurities getting the better of us. For me, I get scared and the separation feels almost more than I can bare. It is difficult for us to spend time together regularly and sometimes, even the most well thought plans are sabotaged. Our lives are not completely our own and we are at the mercy of outside forces commanding our lives. Sometimes, I feel like some fucking teenager about to rebel over the bullshit I have to put up with. Then I remember, even in my teens, I didn’t allow this much control to anyone, including my parents. Bottom line, I have always done what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Now, to have circumstances stand in my way when I am ready to see my girl has had me wanting to bolt before I kill the motherfucker standing in our way.

The most beautiful part of my relationship with Courtney is understanding. We have this space for each of us to find understanding. Whenever our behavior does not match the way we know the other feels, there is a place of acceptance and understanding of that behavior. On some level, we both know, it is born out of fear. I love Courtney completely and accept all the parts of her as she does me. We have finally found that the way for us and that way is walking the earth together.

I wanted desperately to hold onto to something that I could control and manage. I wanted to put our relationship on “pause” until we were the sole commanders of our individual lives. My fear was the driving force behind my desire to imagine that idea was something tangible and best for “us”. Trying to control my feelings and desires to be with Courtney doesn’t feel authentic, nor is that really being true to what is best for me or her. The loss of control or perception of this “control” had me clinging to old behavior that only infects and destroys. I am the master at the push pull, only it isn’t something I practice internally, but externally with the people that get close to me. The closer they become the harder I try to push them away. Courtney isn’t going anywhere, and can spot that behavior a mile away… NOW. Counting the way together isn’t always easy but I am resigned in the fact she has my number.

I wake up everyday feeling like the luckiest person alive. I received the golden ticket in my life and it came in the form of this beautiful and multi dimensional woman. Courtney is like this wild ride that in a moment can switch personalities and appear completely different than the moment before. Don’t blink too fast or you may not see it coming or even recognize the person sitting next to you. She is divine in this behavior as it feels like God made her just for me. I get bored easily with people and Courtney is the perfect answer to my need to interact dynamically. We both are more concerned about the bigger picture of humanity rather than the detail. When I stare into her eyes, I not only see her reflecting back, but this part of myself I never realized existed. We share an innate understanding of the other and that is not a possibility I ever thought I would find. We have many things in common, but enough difference exists between us not to get lost in finding the other. We both value creativity in problem solving. That is probably key to our success thus far. If an issue comes up that we feel conflicted, we are both open to discuss it and creativity discover a solution that works for us both. All the important factors in a relationship, we both agree on. To have all of that is a miracle all on it’s own. Then, to add the fact that she fucks like a gay male porn star from Falcon video, words will never be able to convey the complete joy it all brings me. We are not only counting the way, I am thanking my lucky stars for such a gift as Courtney.

I love Courtney for many reasons and one continues to be the glue that bonds us together. When I am with her, the tightness in my chest subsides, and this peace comes over me that I have not felt in too long to remember. We share a serenity that is only her and me air. I finally found my one, the one person who is able to understand all the complicated ways of my mind. Since the first moment, my heart has been filled with gratitude for the universes answer to my prayer. I wished for someone like Courtney and the answer exceeded any expectations I ever had in finding that one person to share my life with that just knows without all the explanations I had needed in the past. We can get lost in each other for hours and I know to the depths of my soul I want to grow old with this woman. Our journey is just beginning and yet, in these past weeks I feel we have learned lessons that take years of discovery to learn. We live at a fast pace and sometimes it can be overwhelming. But one of us always slows down and reminds the other to breathe. I love you; and I will forever feel blessed that you came into my life. You are my hearts need answered and the way that just makes sense to me. I will forever love you madly, deeply.

What I Should Have Said...by Courtney

"I love you ,too"  That's what I should have said. I so said the wrong fucking thing right at that intrical moment that could have been used for optimism and a stronghold of confidence in a blooming relationship. I failed miserably.... and am here in the raw and open to say..... wow... I was wrong.

Everyone pretty much knows that Rachel and I are together. If no one has picked up on it by now, we are so serious that we have every intention on a legal marriage and I am so havin' me some Eskimo babies. This is the real thing. I am totally in love with this woman. She has a tug at my heartstring that has given me new sight into vulnerabilities I never before dared to dance with.

Here we are saying goodbye to each other tonight. We have already both held back tears for the entire drive. This is the first weekend that we have not managed to break the odds to squeeze in time together with lives so full of 'circumstance' defying us at every turn.

Our relationship is still so young.  It has developed so out of the blue for both of us. We need time together. There are still so many things we to learn, and so much to explore. I know this is just the beginning. Rachel and I balance each other out in such a unique way that it would be hard to explain how it works between two people who are so emotionally high strung. We had our astrological charts read recently... and whoa... it is  some scary, on-fire material.

What the hell was I thinking!  She wrapped me in her arms and whispered 'I love you' in my ear in that way that only the girlfriend of your dreams ever would. I choked back the tears and some scared bully personality temporarily took over and said in response... ' Yeah... I'll see ya.'  Holy Shit!!! How could I have said that. Immediately as she is walking away my eye's overflowed with tears. I tried to catch her, but Kylan delayed me along the way. (Just one of many 'circumstances') The right words to have said were, "'I love you too, baby.... I love you too." 

Then the moment is gone. And it is set in stone. Ya know... we both knew all weekend that even though things didn't go as we planned.... we have a long life left to lead.  I should never have allowed myself to get stoved up like that.

I love you, too Rachel.  I'm sorry I said the wrong thing.

"Come here baby!" By Courtney

It can definitely be said that I have never been shy when it comes to out right laying down on the line with upfront and brutal honesty anything that crosses my path. I tell all, it’s probably one of greatest faults. There is only one subject that I shy away from with 360…. I never really talk about sex. Well…. No more than anyone else, maybe. For me, that is completely out of the ordinary. It’s only new with this ID. Everything else is new, too actually. Oddly enough, on every other ID I’ve raffled through (lost to Yahoo) my only purpose was sexual. Now, that wasn’t what I was looking to gain, just what I chose to be out there with. When all else fails, I am sexually confident. So up until ‘Quarter G’ came about… I strutted my prowess as a Collector’s item on 360. lol…I always see the comments about those ‘hos’ amidst the ‘bloggers’ which never fails to make me laugh. OMG Wednesday was a riot for me!!!! I can laugh from both sides. My old friends list consisted of the other collector’s girls who were also femme, but were bdsm, les, or couples with hot wives. Those who made my friend’s list were lifestyle, not just on-line personalities. Believe it or not, bloggers … there are good times to be had in those circles and some of those women have a lot going on behind those pics. I’m proof of it.

I changed all of that around so that I wouldn’t be known as an online whore. I’m no more of a whore than any of you. I’m intelligent and fun… I’ve been through hard times and I’ve walked on the rays of the sun. I’m human and alive and I think and breathe and need things. No one saw past the glitter and the whips and chains, really. It’s hard to think of anything else when you have cleavage at eye level, and I wasn’t sure those were the kind of people I really wanted to pour myself out to when I discovered ‘the blog’.(Not because I’m embarrassed of who I am, but so I could still ‘glob’ on to those who have no opinion of me other than that I look good in my pics - purely ego driven!) I coincidentally found Rachel on my first round of blog searches to find the new Yahoo group I wanted to squeeze into, but hell, I had no idea at the time how that was going to turn out. And whoop-de-do I never in a million years would have anticipated so many drastic changes in my life, and the fact that I enjoy them is just the icing on the cake.

So what does this boil down to? Among my qualities and/or defects, I am a sex-addict and an attention fiend. Since joining this new ‘bloggie’ group on 360… I have definitely lost that ”I’m so sexy” feel, but am clinging to the “Oh hell my girlfriend is so damn sexy!!!!” instead. So in the spirit of so much being shared here…. I’m going to open up the inner sanctum a bit. Just because my page has cleaned up somewhat, doesn’t mean my cravings have changed any, just that I finally have found someone who fits into my life just perfectly enough to have my hunger fed. So… LET"S TALK ABOUT SEX!!!

I am dying to spill over with how great I am in bed and the fact that Rachel’s mind was sprinkled with fairy dust for hours after our first encounter….I could also share our indulgence into dominance and submission (use your imaginations), but I think it more appropriate for Rachel to share those tidbits if she feels the urge. (If anyone should happen to be interested, that is…lol) It’s hard knowing what to share and what not to share when doing it from the standpoint of being in a ‘couple.’ I think I may have found the loophole somewhere along the line. So I’m diving in without checking for the shallow water. It can’t be held back anymore. It has to be said. RACHEL STOLE MY PIMPHOOD!!! OK… so it was only momentary, but she definitely made me stutter on more than a few occasions. Now maybe I had her scared for a minute, but it was only a minute. She has kicked it into a new gear, and somehow I was hypnotized along the way. With Rachel, I am an open book. Seriously… I mean she has me spinning in thoughts of… “Fuck me, baby… Anytime, any place, please, please, please, do whatever you want to me, just fuck me! “

Sorry about that…. <whew> I got flustered…and see…. Not like me!!! But hell, while I spent all that time getting all stoved up out of concern for this new vulnerability, I could have been focusing on some great sex. I’m telling you, she rocked my world so much that I had performance anxiety! Me! The pimp of lesbians! On my back and panting for "more." But I am back… alive, well, and ready to rumble. Every bit of it is reserved for that one perfect fit in my life, that I am glad to have finally found, who can handle the heat, because heat is what I’m talkin’ about here. This is a heat that makes sex an addiction and I don’t want help!!! <whispers> “Damn, I’m so lucky!”  By all means, Rachel…. Come on girl!!! Bring whatever you’ve got baby, but bring it all the way. I’m not stumped anymore and you might be in for the adventure of your life. Madly, Deeply! In every way! I need you baby... and I need you NOW!!!

Beneath The Surface and Re-Surfacing

Beneath the Surface by Courtney

OK… so things have without a doubt gotten completely out of line here in this open forum, so after discussing it, we decided that maybe we shouldn’t leave anyone adrift on the before and after that lead to this blatant uproar.

The issues brought up by both of us in our “Asshole” (Courtney and Rachel) blogs exist, but it wouldn’t take a genius to realize how many sides there are to every story. Rachel and I are still new in this relationship. There are going to be times that we fall down and bruise a knee now and again. To say otherwise would be to throw in the towel with false expectations. We do however communicate, and this out loud format isn’t the first time any of this was broached. The word for that would be suicide! We are way too fabulous for that. We actually agree on what boundaries are appropriate, but the fact of the matter is that we presently do not live together and have outside circumstances that govern our lives. We’re both adults and combining two entities that boil over with energy isn’t a cakewalk, but we love each other enough to take a chance and work out the jigsaw puzzles we call life so that neither of us sacrifice our inner selves to force a fit. Sometimes, a tantrum is thrown. The bottom line…. they usually stir just beneath the surface. This is our first time to delve in and explore, but we are in no way falling apart. We chose to take this to the public forum. After a long conversation about ‘feelings,’ ’boundaries,’ and ‘insecurities’ held in mostly soft tones with a few tears shed… we decided to blog it. What no one  knew is who blogged what. Rachel decided that she would blog from my point of view and I from hers. It validated each of us hearing what the other was feeling, and gave us the chance to ‘act out’ our frustrations. It is definitely safe to say that we get the point, and we’re smart enough to pull back the reigns at this point before we cross the white line our damn selves with this brazen boundary we temporarily afforded ourselves for this particular excursion. 

Rachel is my every dream alive and basking in the warmth of the sun. She’s not always a walking picnic, lol… but damn it if doesn’t just make me love her more. I love giving the princess her ghetto fabulous braid hook-ups. I love her voice that drips with honey and how easily side tracked she is by bright shiny objects (as long as they hint of anything involving sex). I love losing at the arcade with her and her daughter and laughing along side the brazen junior ‘Rachel’ mascot as she throws her witty sarcasm in her mother’s direction. I even love the dysfunctional rat she calls a dog… ok that’s a serious stretch… I am not diggin’ on that pathetic dog. I am however… diggin’ on some Rachel. She is every ounce of fabulous…. My kind of fabulous. Talk about ‘taste the rainbow’… Madly, Deeply and it’s only getting better. Wow… what a great day to be in love. Good Times…

Re-Surfacing by Rachel

In every relationship comes time to face the truth that hides beneath your line of view. My truth, her truth, and then… our truth. We will work through all of this, we got this people. I think it is fascinating to document the ups and downs of a real time relationship that began over the Internet. What we share is real, this is not some Memorex moment, rather a full-bodied breathe that only we share together.

I have boundaries to create, she has personal issues to attend, and we must begin to build our life together. Our foundation is being built before your eyes. How wonderful it will be to look back years from now, these words, and these feelings cast in perpetual Internet stone, together. It is a real testament to love. I have had mixed feelings about this emotion my whole life. Hate, that is something I know, something easy, something more than this nothing that was bestowed on me once I lost my mother. It isn’t the love that needs work, rather the myriad of other fear driven emotions that can be stirred once our ability to be self directed is rocked.

Courtney is my “one”. The woman that can handle what I have to offer. It is not for the weak, the insecure, the hidden, rather the brazen, and the strong… my Courtney. She knows me and I don’t have to explain it all to her. She just knows. All that I am knows all that she is and it is an exquisite wonderment. Stay tuned… hold on to your seats and remember your hearts… WE are more than just fine, we are fabulous and I love Courtney more today than yesterday.

Common Ground and Post Blog War

Common Ground by Rachel
At some point in a relationship, you have to find common ground. My belief is someone must first provide the other with unconditional understanding. I am right here within these words, saying to you, Courtney, I understand completely how you are feeling and respect your need to feel secure in this relationship.

Truth has many layers and yet we all feel it is simple. The only simple truth is a lie we pretend does not exist. Give someone like me, something simple and I can show you in a moment the complexities that have you thinking it was simple. My simple truth, Michael is my best friend. The intricate layers of that truth, I lived my adulthood with him, grew up with him, we share a child together, and we have had a relationship over the years that unveiled a truth that we never knew existed, that it is possible to unconditionally love someone outside of them being your child or in your blood line. Does this truth have every other relationship pale in comparison? Absolutely not. I love you, Courtney. You are the person I share with in the now, who I look forward to building a connected life with today and the person I first think of before I wake or sleep.

I understand how difficult it is for you to trust something you have never trusted in your life. The perceived threat of falling in love with someone who is close to many people that have shared parts of me, when you are not the one at the door to welcome them inside, requires a trust that has not been something you have ever experienced. It is perfectly normal to feel your personal security compromised given all the facets of what you are dealing with right now. I have lived my life for many years without firm boundaries, that to set them in motion and have them feel like mine will simply take some time and trust. This all is so very personal, Courtney. I am finding difficulty in expressing it publicly. However, this is important, and just like how I am worth trusting, I can do this, I can hold it in the palm of my hand.

You are right about my relationship with Michael crossing over the line of acceptable by anyone’s standards. Years of learned behavior make it difficult for me to see beyond the dysfunction at times. This is when I ask, “Courtney, tell me exactly what you need to feel safe”. I want to frame that question with this, “What would it look like in this moment if you felt safe in this relationship?”  I don’t want to hear the simple answers. I want to know the answers that factor in our current circumstances.

I am willing to find common ground with you, Courtney. I want more than anything for you to feel safe and not threatened. I want you to enjoy all these first moments without fear. This fear has “my Courtney”, recoiling, sitting silent and far away from me. The last two times we have spent time with each other, “my Courtney”, barely came out to share love with me. She stayed hidden, beneath the fear and this is hard for me to witness. I need you to feel safe within my embrace, enough to be held in my gaze, without looking away and to trust this enough to just know, what I give to you in that moment is a gift reserved for only you. When I utter, “I love you, madly, deeply”, allow those words to echo as your life’s most cherished gift from another.

Madly, Deeply,
Rachel

Attn Rachel...Post Blog War Time by Courtney
Hey.... so I know that I am seriously moody and my feeling on things are all or nothing. That makes the good times  something mesmerizing and electric, while bad times are a dreary storm... Things can't be easy to handle with me. It's intimidating in a lot of ways, I assume. In everything I do.... I bring the heat. It's not fast and overbearing..... but slow and intense... like a cobra staring you in the eye.

With Rachel I question myself.  Therein the truth of my insecurities lie. I don't always recognize myself or my feelings anymore. Sometimes I can't look her in the eye. A new world is open to me that I have never released the draw bridge to cross over and become a part of. Everything is one of many a new experience on an emotioinal level. Taking a lot of (what I would have listed in the past) serious risks that will lead to attachment. So I walk a tightrope of new ground. It isn't as if this is something I'm sacrificing.... I am choosing to do this. I am deciding that because I want this woman, and never want to prepare for the day she isn't at my side, it is a risk I am willing and waiting to take every moment it is passed my way. I am willing because I am in love.  Rachel is 'the one' for me. Maybe I do flip out... but when she says that I'm the 'one'... I want to be the one who gets the intimate moments. The eye twinkle should be reserved.  'One' only works with one of two.

I love you Rachel.... madly, deeply  ... share a life with me baby.

Why We Are Assholes

Why Rachel Is An Asshole by Courtney

I know we are supposed to be some fucking super lesbian couple that somehow symbolizes hope for the fucking gay community, but this time, Rachel has gone too far. The time has come that she understands I am sick of her bullshit and I am not playin.

A little history may be needed to help everyone understand how far she has gone. Sometimes a bitch needs to be checked, and Rachel’s time is long overdue. The fact of the matter is Rachel’s life is full of all her ex’s. They are there for one reason or another. The main “thorn in my side” ex of all ex’s is her ex-fucking-husband… the perfect, the beautiful, the MAN, Michael. The straw that broke this fight out in full frontal honesty, the comment this bitch thought she could leave in public on Java’s blog about sex and marriage. Imagine if you will, sitting at work, innocently enough, thinking of your girlfriend, browsing blogs during lunch, BOOM! Fuck her and her fucking ex husband already.

Dating Rachel is like dating a swinger couple that no longer engages in sex together, but they share everything else. It sucks. Besides that ego squashing comment she left in Java’s blog, which failed to mentioned how I fucked the bitch retarded the first time I had sex with her and needed no special ancient tricks, there is the infamous Catholic Track Meet. What was left out of the little commentary between us was the fact that it was all she could do but not cater to all Michael’s needs during the 12 hour period we were around each other. It went from him asking for his shoulders to be rubbed, trying to squeeze in between us, scurrying to make him food, even after he protested he could do it himself, and just the fucking way they just seem to know each other a little too much for my liking.

Bottom line: Rachel needs to fucking have her fucking ex’s back behind the white line, pressed up perpetually against the fucking glass infinity. Stop being an asshole already!

Why Courtney Is An Asshole by Rachel

If any of you actually were to meet Courtney in life, she would blow you over. Now you might all be up in hooplah with that Pollyanna, but I know the real deal. For every ounce of energy she places into the ‘good times’ mantra, she is selfish and a complete bitch. To top it off, she is either so self-absorbed that she doesn’t even know she’s doing it or she’s just such a bitch that she doesn’t care. I’m not so sure that one is better than the other. Can it even be ranked? It’s like when winter comes into season. Once it’s freezing, it’s just fucking cold! An extra ten degrees doesn’t mean a damn thing. That’s Courtney. That’s the kind of asshole she really is. “Good Times” my ass! It should read “Good Times If They’re Good For Courtney”. Maybe that would be too much honesty for her 1001 personalities, which I might add… change faster than you can blink. It’s like a Rolodex being spun right in front of your eyes. There should be a label of warning for anyone with a seizure disorder attached to her forehead.

My personal favorites would have to be the cheerleaders of possessiveness. Stand back once she gets them in sync. She actually rolls through them one by one searching out an angle that justifies her behavior. If I hear one more word about my ex-husband, I’ll scream. I see absolutely no problem with the relationship I have with him. What about her relationship with her sister! All her sister does is talk down to her and put her in her place while no one does a damn thing to encourage anything positive in her life. What does she do? She goes with the flow. Where the hell is my flow?  Courtney, seriously!!! Stop already! You’re being an asshole!

Girlfriend Addiction and Is There An Anecdote

Girlfriend Addiction By Rachel

I am supposed to be writing about the weekend with each other’s family. It just seems forever ago and insignificant today.  To sum it up, it was a wild and zany ride for us both. There was a little of this and a little of that and in the end we were running for cover, locked inside, embraced, safe from the insanity. Noteworthy, however, was the fact that I completely bonded with Courtney’s genius nephew, Kylan. He is just the best. We laughed and laughed, not with anyone, but at everyone… it was great fun. I miss him now. He is the kind of child that freaks you out initially, and then completely sucks you into his world. Gotta love that kind of wonderful.

I am addicted to my girlfriend. Every moment not spent with her, I am scrambling to find time to spend with her, and all the time in-between just feels like some purgatory until I get to breathe her air.  It is fucked up. Good news is that she is now gainfully employed in a CPA’s office during tax season. Talk about the universe ensuring that we don’t fall down some perpetual rabbit hole, it is awe inspiring if you begin to think about all the little ways in which this relationship is fostered and attended to by something bigger than us. The time has come for me to step up to the plate, and *gasp* become employed. If you have not been following my slacker life, I have been floating by for the past 2 years, pretending I am retired, but really it was hiding. I am not worried about getting the right job, I am kind of bummed that I have to work again at all. Let’s face it, having all the time in the world to do what ever the fuck you want when you want, has been awesome. The money issue has been one of those little nasty things I pretend doesn’t exist. I am the master at pretending shit doesn’t exist. There is too much to do now, too many shared goals, a life we have to begin and my slacker life must come to a long awaited end. My family has waited with baited breathe for me to finally get off my ass and stop wasting my life away. I wasn’t wasting my life away. You people, most of you anyway, can vouch, I was blogging, connecting on the Internet, completely diving into the Internet superhighway to find some sort of truth I failed to find in my real life. Let’s face it, it paid off. Not only did I find the girl of my dreams, but guess what, my blog, is actually a selling point during interviews. When asked that BIG question, “what have you been doing for the past 2 years?” The reply is simple, “writing my book and maintaining a popular blog.” I have used it already with great delight by the interviewer. Yeah, I’ll be getting them the new Stealing Kitty address right away…. Haaahaa. Then, at the very least they will have some understanding at what a queer motherfucker they are about to hire, right?

Courtney’s smell is intoxicating. She smells like candy all the time. And to know me, is to know, I LOVE CANDY. I whisper to her often, “taste the rainbow”. Her hair is soft, her skin is like butter, and her face, and I could go on forever about it. None of the tangible fully describes the feeling when I am with her. We are just stronger together. You know that feeling when you are with someone and the world for once makes sense? That is how it is when we are together.  All of it, the insanity, the beauty, the ugliness, the world, just makes sense. Every night is spent either talking to her on the phone until we fall asleep or lost in thoughts of her. I was going to write about how it is disabling, however, the universe set circumstances in order that pushes us and doesn’t allow us to lay down. As soon as we feel it is too much, there is like this invisible pressure valve that handles it for us. I can’t fully explain it, just know, everyday with this girl in my life is an affirmation that she was meant just for me and I just for her. I am addicted to my girlfriend and for me to be anything else would lessen this intensity I feel everyday to have her next to me. It is this crazy kind of beautiful that is Courtney. She is many people at any given moment, but the moment that counts is when she looks at me with this strength of a 1,000 men, but the vulnerability of this girl, and smiles, that is my Courtney. I love her madly, deeply… always and forever.

Is There an Anecdote? By Courtney

For both of our sakes, I hope not. Do any of you want to hear about how much we love one another? I doubt it very highly. We are to the point of disgusting those nearest to us with our ‘goo-goo’ eyes and long conversations. To make it worse, we are so selfish that we don’t even notice their annoyance.

It is already a new weekend, and we never bothered posting for last weekend. Seriously… Rachel’s right…we were pretty much over it and lost in a new day as soon as it was over. I disagree, however, in the choice not to highlight some key last weekend events and I am in no way surprised that my nephew is the only thing Rachel felt worth noting. (They talk on the phone almost as much as we do. Let’s not forget… he just turned two!!! How is a two year old stealing my thunder?) Let’s back up just a bit, but seriously… we’re already over it so this is just an overview. We spent a day with each of our family’s last weekend. On my side…. My crazy ghettofabulous twin sister, her son, my sister-in-law, niece (demon spawn), my mother, my uncle who is now my aunt and an endless barrage of people coming and going. Weekends in my family are all about family togetherness, and everyone is so dysfunctional that our stories read better than textbook example. Then there was her family. OK… let’s see. I met her ex mother-in-law as well as her ex husband for another round at the Catholic School track meet. I decked Rachel out with some braids before we went, which drew quite a few looks to Rachel’s enthusiasm over it. The infamous couple from the weekend before was gushing with readiness to say hello, and anything else that could be squeezed in, as were the rest of the parents from the team. Now, due to all the ex’s, there was no time to be divided up and dispersed. My energy was focused on the ensuing cockfight that was passive aggressively throwing blows under the surface. It wasn’t an issue of proving anything, but more of a testing the waters to find a balance. Saturday night was spent … well… use your imaginations, and then take into consideration that not even that come close to the rockin’ that’s goin’ on, and Sunday was spent anticipating losing one another for another week. Herein lies the problem.

This is what we always do!!! When we are together, everything is wonderful. When we are not… back the fuck up and get out of our way. It takes days to recuperate, to the extent that when we finally squeeze in a day together during the week… it is a day spent healing in each other’s arms enough to make it through the rest of the week. Now this job fell into my lap. I have run the gamut of career decisions in my lifetime. Never in a million years did I anticipate adding a CPA office in tax season.  It truly was not on my to-do list. (Oddly enough… I am really fucking fabulous at my job.) Once again… Rachel is right. It was one of those meant to be things that have been happening over and over again since she came into my life. There is finally something to fill my time as I pine away for our next get-away, and it legitimately begins a process moving towards our future.

Rachel really is my girl. She’s wonderful in every way. I need another weekend. I need my girl. Damn I hate tax season, and damn I’m getting bitchy! I need to wrap this up before I start to cry.

I love you Rachel. Madly, Deeply…

The Big Announcement and In Stereo

The Big Announcement By Rachel

It has been too long since I last blogged.  It is like my last post; so much that I am experiencing is so very private now. It wouldn’t really be fair if I kept all these new revelations to myself and exclude the community that I have shared with for over a year. That doesn’t seem proper. Not to mention, this new phase of my life should be documented, should be celebrated, and should be shared, if nothing else than to break any preconceived ideas of what it is like for 2 girls in love. It isn’t a fantasy, it isn’t some oddity, it just is as we all live and breathe. Like sharing love with someone, in that simply complicated way, because you never trusted it like this before in your life.

First things first. I have changed my blog name once again. Styrofoam Kitty was already taken unbeknownst to me. And we all know I am as original as they come. The concept Stealing Kitty seems more appropriate. For more reasons than the obvious, but we will go with the obvious for now. This will be a combined effort from Courtney and me. Bringing to life what is happening in our lives today and how our relationship is growing. It is important to bring to life something so wonderful that is happening in the now, give a voice to the reality of life lived queer in a straight world.

We are reclaiming Girl Queer. It fits. It is descriptive in the best way. To say, that we rock out loud when we are together, doesn’t fully illustrate the energy that happens. This past weekend, it was brought to life in living color. The Catholic School track meet. Remember, Catholics are against queer; Catholics at my daughters school are super parents. I am one of 3 single parents that are a part of this school. If that helps you get a picture of just what an outsider I am. Not to mention, the “don’t ask, don’t tell”, policy of all this queer business that has been my life. My ex girlfriend coached these parents kids in soccer for about 3 years and nothing came close to the frenzy these people went into when me and Courtney happened on the scene. I warned her. Don’t you dare be so…. “gasp” lesbian at the track meet. She promised people. She really did. But the fact is, Courtney is an asshole. Don’t let her front that she isn’t. Courtney does what Courtney wants and makes no excuses about it. Hiding the fact that she is queer never has been a part of the way she lives. Her family is the absolutely most Gay Fabulous family on the face of the earth. So asking her not to be “LESBIAN” at the Catholic Track Meet was pretty naïve on my part. I mean, plu-eeze! Like she would know how, when she was with me that is everybody. It was like we were Girl Queer Celebrities.

Parents that never talk to me for a myriad reasons, were chomping at the bit to know who the hell this girl was that I brought. There was this couple, who have coached my daughter for several years in sports, who were all of the sudden joined at the hip. Just me mentioning going to dinner and then having me re-cant, because in the rules of this Catholic School society, such things are pre-planned and to spontaneously ask in the moment is not allowed. These motherfuckers quickly exclaimed, “we are spontaneous”. FUCK YOU! I have known you people for years, and you haven’t done a fucking spontaneous thing EVER! The power two out loud queer girls have at a Catholic Track Meet honestly was enough to have everyone instantly captivated over our OUT LOUD and PROUD Courtney.  As I whispered little dirty secrets in her ear, it just seemed like everyone wanted to know, they had to know, what the hell was going on between us. She was sooo not right, but to say I was, would be a lie. She would look at me, you know in that way you are NOT supposed to look at your friend girl, she looked at me in that way that said, “FUCK ME now under the bleachers bitch!” So, you see, how spontaneous a motherfucker could all of the sudden be in the face of such wrongness?

The thing I have hated the most about being a lesbian is the public shame that is thrusted upon you by EVERYONE else. When I walk the earth with Courtney, there is no shame, only pride in who she is, who we are together and for the first time in my life, I feel okay with being queer. Maybe the fact that we are both equally fabulous works, who knows, all I know is that to say I no longer feel this cloud of shame over me about being queer is finally saying, I am living… out loud, a queer girl in this straight world. We have found in each other that person that values the same thing, that has the same ideals about living, that person that finally allows us to be who we are without shape shifting into something, more than the anything we have ever felt. It is liberating. This is what it is like… when you are two fabulous queer girls in love.

Finally, just in case you are getting any ideas about MY girl... back behind the white line 10 paces motherfucker... yeah... this means YOU!

In Stereo By Courtney

OK… on one hand I would like to scream “Injustice” as loud as is possible…. Get real… As if I have so much power to draw the Catholic attention… but then reality sets in… I really am out loud with being queer. Rachel is right. (Something I can see me saying time and time again.) <whispers> “Whatever you say, baby…” She can be right every day of the week and I will still be hoping for more. What we have discovered in one another is wonderful and beautiful in a way that is absolutely captivating.

Don’t let the wordage fool you…. As out loud as it may have been, it was done with class that could not be denied. Maybe I’m a little edgy, but I am a chameleon who fits into any crowd. Usually this is achieved through filling in the blanks as to what I know to be accepted under whatever circumstance… I am not a raging dyke. Neither of us fit that description! That is a part of what makes us so damn fascinating….

I was blessed to grow up with comfort in being a lesbian. There was never shame thrown in my direction, and I’m such an asshole, I probably didn’t notice if it did. I have, however, cowered under the shame and discomfort for fear of not fitting in, hence the chameleon skills. At the track meet, not the case… there was no chameleon. With Rachel by my side there is a freedom that I have never before experienced. It’s about more than being so damn queer (though I’m sure the whole two hot lesbians walking into a Catholic school track meet has it’s obvious attention grabbing attributes)

Together… we suck the energy out of any room. This is a whole new world to experience for both of us. I am finally able to just be me with a woman who isn’t ashamed to have me by her side for fear of the embarrassment that will ensue with the whole “gay drama” bit. I’m so excited for her to see this whole new world and walk with her head high. (She is truly more beautiful in life than any of you can possibly imagine…)

Like I said… she’s right… “This is what it is like… when you are two fabulous queer girls in love.”  And Rachel, next time I give you that look that tells you “Fuck me now under the bleachers bitch”, you better be waiting underneath those bleachers… I ain’t playin!

When You Just Know by Rachel

There are moments in your life when you realize, I’m supposed to be here, I am supposed to know this and it all makes perfect sense. I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 years either surviving in the chaos, residing in the silence or living in the pain. The last 3 years have been spent determined to move beyond the mediocrity, beyond the shackled ignorance most of us settle for while escaping into some media fed life. I have been tired of fighting, tired of not being able to relate, tired of bending myself to fit someone else’s image of me. It all became intolerable for me last year. And finally, I found clarity.

You know when you meet someone and you are instantly captivated? I have met this girl who in a moment restored lost hope of sharing my life with someone who could look at me and just know. I’m complicated. And that does not even come close to fully illustrating the reality. A door opened and something happened to me that I cannot fully explain and barely understand. I have only experienced this once in my life and never imagined it possible again.  I should be questioning this, but all I have are answers. I know to the depths of my being I was meant to walk the earth with this girl.

I am in no rush to the finish line. I want to savior all these first moments. I have down shifted into this low gear, because there is this shared serenity between us that whispers, “it’s okay”. She gave me something today, a gift and ever since I have felt incredibly peaceful. It is not something that can be seen by the human eye, but it is felt in your heart. It was this part of her, this part that I felt she had been saving just for me. I didn’t ask for it, but somehow I knew I was supposed to have it. It overwhelmed me. It still overwhelms me, but not in a way I can’t hold. In this way, that finally says to me, you deserve this, you have worked for this moment your whole life and it’s safe. I never imagined it being this effortless, this easy and yet we are both incredibly complicated.

When we find that person who makes sense to us or who is our soul’s reflection, we want to shout it from the rooftops. I haven’t this time. It just feels sacred, private and extremely personal. But it is important to document this experience, to share it, because we are lucky if it ever happens in our lifetime. Another twist to this experience is that I met her on Y360. Yahoo has bestowed upon me many gifts and yet, I never imagined one quite so amazing and her name is Courtney. This was never my intention. I never thought it possible. And yet, it just makes sense. We have an understanding of each other like we have known each other our whole lives. The reality of either of us ever finding someone who understands us at all is one in a million. We could tell each other our darkest secrets and find this unconditional understanding that finally validates some twisted experience we never dared to share with anyone. I could never convey how good it feels to be able to share with someone things I would never dare utter to anyone and have that person look at me with this complete understanding of exactly what I am talking about.

When I look at her, I am amazed at her beauty. It isn’t just the obvious, and yet, the obvious stops you in your tracks; it is this internal glow you rarely find. She doesn’t have a clue what she possesses. She is untouched by that reality, naïve to her power and she kills me. You don’t ever meet people like that. I don’t anyway. Someone with this awesome power who has not discovered that about themselves, words can not describe how awe inspiring that is to me.  She is this walking, talking, breathing work of art of the womankind. Symbolizing many things, but of all those things the endless possibilities radiate from her being. Today is her birthday and my wish for her this birthday is may she begin to fully celebrate this day and never allow it to be destroyed by circumstances, and that she continue to cultivate who she is guided by that internal voice she inherited from her grandmother. These are the moments in your life; you just know... you were meant to be.

Another Try by Courtney

Well... I made a complete attempt at writing this blog yesterday, and even had it posted. An hour and a half later I rushed to turn on the computer and get the thing deleted. LOL.... I don't even have any idea who, if anyone, read it.  Irregardless.... out the window it went.

There are so many things thatI am prepared for..... this topic is just one that I totally shy away from.  When it comes right down to it... maybe that's because it has been so long since the possibilities seem so endless.... and here I asm trying to focus on nothing but the "seem" part of that sentence, but realistically that is so not where my focus is. This is so the tell tale truth that I quite obviously could be in serious trouble here!

I'm not completely sure what those in the 360 world think of me... but I do know what my real life is quite well. I wouldn't be surprised if I truly evaluated my online persona and came off being nicer than what I really am. Reality to my family, friends... and even to myself: I am a total asshole. I am truly the conquest, love em and leave em (without the love, if you know what I mean) break their heart and not even know, or care, kindof girl. It might be unfortunate, but that's kindof who I am. Now at the core.... not me totally, but I don't allow vulnerability in my life. I just don't. I feed off of this "pimp statis" I'm a pig.... The handful of women who I have chosen to see anything other than that in me... chose to use it as this huge win over on me to break me down through acts of cruelty and violence. Now see..... that just can't happen. Now... my self esteem is on the rise again... this time around I have built myself up on the inside too, and am seeing more clearly than ever before. I can't remember ever feeling so serene. On the outside of that..... I have definitely spent a lot of time on the prowl... it's  nothing personal for me. If anything.... sex has always been my breathe of fresh air. It's my escape. Sex I can totally do, and it is so not personal for me!!!!!  Anyway... it's like I really am this great person.... but I so do not share that person with people I have sex with. There's a better than not chance that it will be a one night stand as far as I'm concerned, ya know, and it isn't too likely that I'll keep contact.  I don't even truly kiss these women. Hell if I had to really pinpoint the last time I was in a relationship.... I've been single for just over a year... and ya know.... I wasn't even with the woman... I had a relationship with the pain of it all. I can't even say that I have ever been truly in love.... the sparks of it initially, but never more than that.  I'm pretty fucking dysfunctional.... and in this break period from dating..... I have had total selfish me time!   OK... right... kindof beating around the bush.... so moving on...

I happened upon this woman who I've mentioned spending time with without really getting into details on the matter. In a lot of ways, there was/is this totally fabulous friendship brewing, if nothing else, because we see things so much in the same light. I should have to wear a warning for those I come into contact with, because given the right mood (and it's almost always the right one for me) I will totally fuck someone's head up out of nothing but boredom... I'm seriously a pig.  Now if this woman and I were to go anywhere publicly together... we would be like dynamite to the poor souls we come into contact with. It would be serious Good Times in a semi- sick fashion. We're kindof both heart breakers maybe.... it isn't at all done to be cruel... it's more like a feed.  (Hey... I admit it isn't right.... that should win us back some merit points of some sort...)

So... I knew without a doubt that I was definitely going to sleep with this woman. No, screw that... I knew I totally was going to fuck her senseless. Just one of those definites... I could easily have envisioned us being great friends and totally going out on the "dynamite" missions for nothing more than fun.  I'll tell you what... there are so many things I never saw coming! She is intoxicating... damnit! What the hell is that about! I've heard women say that about me, but I'm kindof the out of sight out of mind person... I only stay in the moment while in the moment. I'm still waiting to be out of the fucking moment !!! My game has totally been slammed by my equal....Don't think for a second that I've been derailed as a curb check.... if that were the case I would have a bruised ego and nothing more to brush off. My cockyness heals up at a speedy rate... did I mention that I'm an asshole? lol Seriously though.... the end result of spending time with this woman....

We have both become slightly undone. We spent two days doing nothing but the pre-decided fucking each other motionless and dumbstruck. No shock there... not something that would throw off any guards... seriously... I can have a lot of sex and it truly is meaningless  most of the time... we have spent as lot of time talking... this whole kissing rule that I have... well almost all of these rules that I have so as not to make it personal... have one by one started to fly out the window. And I have so brought her right down with me. What is really funny is that we are both such pigs that we almost don't know how to break down the whole... "I'm pimptastic and proud of it" mentality that is so engraved in the minds of those around us. I mean, damn... we have reputations to hold on to.

So this is my start... totally outing myself and admitting it... I am without a doubt smitten and am enjoying every wonderful moment of it.  Some of you actually know her... it's Rachel.

Not Sure What To Say... by Courtney

(This was written the day after we met)

Ok.... so.... right... um.....  I feel like I've lost the knack for blogging... lol

I've been in Texas for a few days now and have to say that I am extremely happy to be here.  My family is completely crazy, but I love them all the more for it. I feel like everything is in a steady spin right now..... it's a nice balance for me. My mother for once in her life has been speaking to me as if she actually sees me as an adult... completely out of character for her.  My sister has cooled her heels quite a bit. Oddly enough she makes me more nervous than anyone else I'm around. It's the eggshell walk when it comes to her. I know without a doubt that being in her disfavor throws the entire family out of balance. Once she starts.... it's hard to stop her. This is my twin, mind you.... my eccentric, ghettofabulous closest relation who looks more like my neighbor than my sibling. "Overprotective" doesn't quite touch her take on things.  In some ways I suppose I should be flattered... she loves me. The thing is... I'm an adult... I need personal time... and I can't devote it to spending with her as much as she would like me to. There is extreme jealousy brimming over the top with her .... she doesn't want me to have friends that aren't her friends and she really doesn't want me to even consider the possibility of dating anyone, now or ever.  I love my sister, I always will, but something has to give. I'll figure out how to get around this one... I have already accepted that it's going to be a delicate matter. She's very sensitive... and maybe a smig jealoous, though I hate to say that. Let's just say we don't have the same characterics that allow mutual opporotunities in life's every day affairs.... no one said it's fair, but it isn't my fault either.  I didn't choose to be me.... no one does.  Anyway.... I hurt her feelings yesterday for the first time since being home. I didn't do it intentionally.... but hey... I need my own identity. One of these days I hope she sees that she won't lose me. We're twins... sisters... and best friends. Nothing will ever change that. (My beautiful nephew was a little peeved with me for having been gone so long... at the age of 2 he doesn't understand why or where I went to, he just knows that his Aunt ChiChun hasn't been here to play with him.... my smilin boy has turned into a disgruntled little man, LOL He must be ready to forgive me... he wouldn't do anything this morning without me by his side. He's once more full of giggles and runs when he hears my voice... one of these days I'll have to consider the possibility of children... until then... I'm glad I have a returnable one in my life)

I went out on my own for some simblance of a life yesterday.... I wasn't alone... I spent the day with a friend.... I don't remember the last time I was so pleasantly surprised, but this was definitely one to mark on the calendar. On that note, I'm actually embarrassed, which is totally out of character for me.  She is definitely someone I would like to spend more time with, and with any luck, the feeling is mutual.  Maybe I'll write more on it later... but for now I'm actually tongue-tied on the matter. Irregardless... definite good times...

~Winks~ Have blessed days everyone!!!